THIS PAGE MAY CONTAIN AFFILIATE LINKS. PLEASE READ OUR DISCLOSURE FOR MORE INFO.
The following 118 Finance Jokes and Accounting Jokes while hilarious, are loved on a new level by those with an appreciation for money. Each joke is listed below both as a shareable graphic and text. We hope you enjoy it!
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did the duck say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
What did one penny say to the other penny?
Let’s get together and make some cents.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
A penny.
When does it rain money?
When there is “change” in the weather.
Where does Dracula keep his money?
In a blood bank.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why don’t cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Where can you always find money?
In the dictionary.
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river-bank.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.
Why can’t you borrow money from a preschooler?
Because they’re always a little short.
What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails?
One hundred pennies.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Why did the student swallow all his pennies?
The teacher said he needed more sense.
Why did the student eat his dollar bill?
His mother told him it was for lunch.
How much money does a skunk have?
One scent.
If money grew on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season?
Fall
How is the moon like a dollar?
They both have 4 quarters.
What type of money do crabs use?
Sand dollars.
Son: “Mom can I get twenty bucks” Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: “Well isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”
If money doesn’t grow on trees…
why do banks have branches?
Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?
A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn’t a nickel.
You feel stuck with debt if…
you can’t budge it.
Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
The Leprechaun took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!
What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
I’m paw!
Why can’t Lebron James shop at the dollar store?
Because he only has 3 quarters!
Why did the old man put two quarters in his ear?
To hear 50 cent.
Why is dough another word for money?
Because everyone kneads it.
You have 10 dollars in your pocket and you lose 5. What do you have in your pocket?
A hole.
What do stockbrokers say to each other when they want the other person to be quiet?
Put a stock in it!
What do you get when you put THE money you’ve earned and IRS together?
THEIRS!
Where do seagulls invest their money?
In the stork market!
Why did the banks want to return all the government bailout money ASAP?
Because they were upset at all the hidden fees!
How did the Banker die?
He Cashed Out.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness…
Simply didn’t know where to shop.
What did the Dollar say to the Bitcoin?
Dude, that makes no cents.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance
So I pushed her over.
Money can be lost…
in more ways than won.
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
They won’t expect it back.
What did the one penny, say to the other penny?
Money jokes are priceless, At least that’s my two cents on it.
If money is the root of all evil…
Then why do they ask for it in church?
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money…
I’d just laugh and search with them.
Why can’t the car payment make any friends?
Because they’re always “a loan”
Why do fixed interest rates smell so bad?
Because they never change
Two coins meet:
The first coin said: Hi, I’m 25 cents.
The second coin said: What a coincidence,
I’m 25 cents too!
What a COINcidence.
Why did the financial analyst give his daughter gifts today instead of waiting until Christmas?
Because they understand “Present Value”
What did the financially responsible student do to get good grades?
They paid off their “principal”
What do you call really tall expenses?
Overhead.
How do you tell an accountant to be quiet?
You tell them to use their invoice
Did you hear about the new superhero Accounts Payable Man?
They had superhuman li-abilities
What kind of debt did the secret agent issue?
A bond, James Bond.
How did the Medical Plan say goodbye?
Deductible waived
What do you call a vendor that never tells the truth?
A Supp-liar
I bite all my quarters…
Now I have a lot of bitcoin
What do you call it when a group of executives falls back during battle?
A corporate retreat
Did you hear about the creditor who got bored?
He lost interest
I repaired the building we pay rent for…
It’s safe to say it’s a “fixed” cost
Did you hear about the well-funded alphabet company?
They had 26 sources of “capital”
Why are rabbits so focused on working capital?
It’s necessary for maintaining day to day “hop-erations”.
How do you tell how profitable a butter company is?
Look at the “net margarine”
I had my credit card stolen the other day…
But I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than me.
Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months.
So they’re asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.
The stock market is weird.
Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day?
The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Money talks
…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I need a new bank account.
This one has run out of money.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween.
So instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Living on earth may be expensive…
but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
College is the opposite of kidnapping.
They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I am going to qualify for free shipping…
no matter how much it costs.
I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills.
It was a dark time.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a parent that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out…
from setting all my money on fire.
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
How can you get rich by eating?
Eat fortune cookies.
If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut?
Because silence is golden.
Why do I keep paying the bills?
It just encourages them to send more.
What do you call it when you lend money to a bison?
Buff-a-loan!
If you ever get sad that no one ever calls you on the phone.
Try missing a couple of credit card payments.
A bank is a place that will lend you money.
If you can prove that you don’t need it.
I now know why I used to love Christmas as a child.
I did not have to pay for the gifts!
Personal financing is very…
INTERESTing
What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the lottery.
What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment!
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.”
Said the IRS auditor.
In a famous gallery, a billionaire shares why they really love Picasso.
There is nobody who was able to sell oil so expensive.
Who was the world’s first stock broker?
Noah – He floated his stock while the world was in liquidation.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything…
Was last year.
An economist is an expert…
Who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
What dog has money?
A bloodhound, because he is always picking up (s)cents.
Money can’t buy you true love.
It does however put you in a good bargaining position.
An investor to his advisor: Is really all my money gone?
No, of course not. It’s just with somebody else!
It was a perfect crime…
Until the thief deducted their burglar tools as a business expense.
What leads most people into debt?
Trying to catch up with people who are already there.
Nurse: How’s the boy who swallowed a pound coin?
Doctor: No change yet.
The question isn’t at what age I want to retire?
It’s at what income.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I said, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.”
I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
What’s the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
How does the Hulk make extra money?
He flips houses.
The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Those hedge funds should have known they’d lose money by shorting GME.
As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering
I don’t get it. During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.
As a rock salesman, I’ve had great success with money.
Sometimes I take it for granite.
My neighbor started playing tennis for money
It was quite the racket
Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back
Then tell you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed.
In terms of money, I’m set for life!
Provided I die next Friday
What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?
Penny wise
I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.
I had 101 donations.
How did pharaohs get all the money for their fancy tombs?
Through pyramid schemes.
How do you save money on cat food?
By buying bird seed instead.
People always ask me how I know where all of this generation’s money went
It’s in tuition.
Wallet Squirrel is a personal finance blog by best friends Andrew & Adam on how money works, building side-hustles, and the benefits of cleverly investing the profits. Featured on MSN Money, AOL Finance, and more!
